I wrote a long article about the BYU-Utah game this week. It was a well-thought-out piece all about momentum, and what role it would (or wouldn’t) play in this week’s rivalry game. But it was garbage. Why? Because I was trying to make logical points about something that is entirely illogical. So I decided to scrap it in favor of something far more juvenile. After all, what does logic and maturity have to do with the BYU-Utah rivalry?
Here are five pot shots at both BYU and Utah fans, designed to illustrate how to insult your rivals. See if you can tell which team I support without looking down at the end of the article. (Remember: These are not to be taken seriously. The minute you take this rivalry seriously is the minute you lose.)
Pot shots towards BYU fans:
- Hey dork, why is your T-shirt tucked in? I realize that may have been cool in 1984, but move on already. You seriously have got to let it go. I take that back, tucking in your T-shirt was never cool.
- And are you seriously wearing a braided belt? I’m guessing it has something to do with a time in your life when things were better. Let’s see here, braided belts were last acceptable (in some circles) back in the mid-90s …Oh, okay. I get it. The last time BYU blew out Utah was in 1996. Is that what this is about? You are so pathetic. And overrated. You are always overrated.
- Looking at you, I’m guessing you don’t get invited to many parties. That would probably explain why you didn’t get invited to the Pac 12. Kind of like you’ve never been invited to a BCS bowl. Also, you are not invited to my house to tell me all about your new MLM scam. Stop asking me to let you come over to “practice” your new sales pitch. I’m not interested. Creep.
- Truthfully, if I didn’t hate you so bad, I’d feel sorry for you. We’re playing USC, UCLA, and the rest of the PAC 12, and you’re in the WAC? That’s just sad. On the bright side, you always did fare well in the WAC.
- Zoobies suck. You think you’re better than everyone, when really you’re just a bunch a prissy, self-righteous, little dweebs without spines. Deal with it.
Pot shots towards Utah fans:
- Hey tough guy, we get it. Your Pac 12 T-shirt was enough for us to know you’re proud of your new conference. The hat, flag, bumper sticker, camper, cigarette lighter, and neck tattoo are a bit much, don’t you think? Seriously, how must the other teams in the conference feel? Don’t you think you’re coming on a little strong? If the Pac 12 were the movie Social Network, you’d definitely be the crazy Asian girlfriend.
- You’ll always be our annoying little brother. Actually, as I typed that last sentence I caught a picture of Jordan Wynn. Maybe I should say you’ll always be our little sister. Our bitter little sister with typical small girl throwing motion and ratty facial hair.
- It’s amazing you can be so cavalier with what you do with your beer. How can you afford to be pouring your beer on innocent BYU fans when you apparently can’t afford to hire a personal trainer to get rid of your extra 50 pounds, or a dentist to take care of your tobacco stains? And are you required to have a goatee? I don’t get it.
- Regardless of what happens this weekend, we’ll always have the time Jimmer knocked down a half courter in the Hunstman Center and stone-faced you into submission. Admit it, you like Jimmer. Just admit it.
- We have our honor code to differentiate us from the rest of the country. What do you have? Nothing. You’re just a boring, less likeable, less watchable version of Boise State. Deal with it.
Now that we have that behind us, let us all move on to this weekend with a little dignity, and not put our feet in our mouths too often. May the best team win. Unless the best team is Utah.
Bryson Kearl grew up with a dad who is a Ute fan. His brothers were BYU fans like him until the mid-90s when they conventiently decided they like Utah (around the same time the Utes started winning). The example of his brothers helps to understand how Bryson perceives Utah fans. He loves them, but they’re full of crap.