ESPN’s Lockout Programming

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Now that the two major sports leagues are in a lockout, many wonder what ESPN will do to keep the ratings up. Some have theorized that Major League Baseball will be the big winner in all of this, but that doesn’t seem likely considering that those who defend baseball as “not boring” say you have to be at the game to enjoy it. Especially when stadiums look like this…

Awkward …

I don’t believe ESPN will be looking to bank on the big leagues to bring home the bacon. However, look forward to some of the following programs to hit the airwaves if the lockouts continue.

Last year’s NBA season, including a replay of The Decision

With NBA ratings the highest they have been since the Michael Jordan era, it is no doubt that ESPN will want to capitalize on this as much as possible. Look for ESPN to get the rights of all NBA games for the 2010-2011 Season and replay the entire season, including a replay of Lebron James’ “The Decision.” Watch live as Clevelanders take to the streets and once again burn James’ paraphernalia because they still can’t overcome the hate.

International Spelling Bee

Look for the Spelling Bee to take a page out of the Miss Universe pageant’s book and make their contest international. Not only will you be able to watch children who have no lives compete in just their own countries anymore, but rather bore entire audiences across the globe. You think “ursprache” is hard to spell in English? Try Serbian. (урспрацхе)

Brett Favre decision to come out of retirement again

What a better time to come back out of retirement than when there is a chance of no NFL season? Cue witty ESPN commercial with Favre sending a text to an appalled Hannah Storm.

Wipeout: Athlete Edition

Watch as athletes compete in a warped ninja warrior-style obstacle course with bouncy pads to be crowned the winner of “we just wanted Ochocinco to be on the air and he wouldn’t ride a bull again” show.

Madden Challenge: Lockout Edition

Watch as video gamers control a virtual Kansas City Chiefs backup defensive end Jalil Brown in their quest to find him an offseason job. Enjoy as gamers prepare resumes, contact potential employers, and struggle to pronounce his first name. Experience the disappointment that virtual Jalil encounters as people won’t hire him despite his Business Management degree because of the fact he plays for the Chiefs.

Shawshank Redemption

This is any TV station’s go-to movie when ratings are low.

Girls Next Door: Tiger Woods Edition

Enough said.

Brett Favre decision to retire again

Before the lockout is over it can be expected ESPN reporters will be in Mississippi at least seven times. “Oh look, there’s Ed Werder eating another squirrel.”

The Life: Coach Snoop Dogg

ESPN will surely make this article into a show: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/thelife/gallery?id=4728849. The best part of the show will be watching “Coach Snoop” at the post-game press conferences trying to unsuccessfully avoid rhyming: “We scold them and then we mold them… Whoopin’ ass with class!” (see article).

The clinching game of the World Series if the Red Sox, Dodgers, Yankees, or Phillies are playing

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Josh Bolding wrote this article. He is a standup comedian and Mexican American. He is the only Hispanic person we know of who doesn’t care for soccer.

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