Where Will Jimmer Go

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Jimmer will be happy no matter where he goes. Well, maybe ...

Where will Jimmer go? I don’t have a clue. But where should Jimmer go? Aw, now we’re talking. I’ve gone over every team in the league and evaluated how good it would be for Jimmer Fredette to be selected by that team. Seeing as he is the singularly most polarizing player in this draft, it seems safe to say that he could conceivably go to any team in the league. Obviously some teams would be better fits than other, so let’s see who those teams are. I’m writing from the perspective of a Jimmer fan. As opposed to the opposite of a Jimmer fan: An idiot. I’m kidding; even Jimmer haters secretly love him. Anyway, the number (1-10) next to each team is the likelihood that Jimmer could go there based on what the experts are projecting. 1 means not going to happen in a million years, 10 means mark it down with pen. 2-9 are a mystery even to me.

Atlanta Hawks (2): Fascinating team for Jimmer. Hinrich can play SG, and I’m guessing they don’t think Teague is a long term answer. However, this team needs a PG of the Chris Paul ilk (salt in the wound unintended), not of the score-first variety.

Boston Celtics (3): An unlikely destination, but it would make sense. Jimmer and Danny Ainge have their BYU connection, Ray Allen won’t be around forever, Rondo can’t shoot, and Jimmer has a good look for a New England team (read: white). Also, considering Jimmer is a mix between Larry Bird and the average fan, he could bridge the gap to the man they call Basketball Jesus.

Charlotte Bobcats (5): As a standing rule, I count out any player that is drafted by a Michael Jordan-led team. And the Jimmer-Adam Morrison comparisons alone would be a real negative distraction to Jimmer. BTW, Comparing Jimmer to Adam Morrison is racist. Well, maybe not, but it is stupid. They both were great scorers in college, and they are both white. The comparisons end there.

Chicago Bulls (4): Obviously Chicago really needs a shooter to spread the floor for Rose. And while they already have Korver, it’s important to note that KK is merely a scorer. Jimmer is a killer. Huge difference. The Bulls need a killer.

Cleveland Cavaliers (4): If I were Jimmer, I’d be wary of this team, since the stench of The Decision still lingers over the Ohio Valley like a fart your buddy let out during your campout while you were stuck inside the tent because outside there was a crazy rainstorm. Seriously, Clark, you couldn’t hold it?

Dallas Mavericks (2): The word superfluous immediately comes to mind, since the Mavs already have Jason Kidd, Jason Terry and JJ Barea (and Beaubois). But let’s not forget that Kidd is all but done, Barea is not a long term solution, and Terry’s stint at PG was never meant to be. Being on a team that (as of now) has great zone defense and is always competing would be a great fit for Fredette.

Denver Nuggets (2): The Nuggets do not need another young PG, so we can go ahead and scratch this option off. But let’s say they make some trades, and there is room for JF, this might be a great place for him to average 30 points a game someday.

Detroit Pistons (5): This team needs some scoring, but it needs defense and size more. Not exactly Jimmer’s forte. However, can’t you picture a line of Chrysler commercials set in Detroit with Jimmer. “Home grown in the U.S. of A. From humble beginnings to Jimmerific conclusions. Is he going to let a recession keep him filling a stat sheet? Fredette about it.”

Golden State Warriors (3): Putting Jimmer on the same team as Stephen Curry is a ridiculous idea, and full of potential negatives. However, can you imagine a more likeable backcourt? Every mom in America would start pulling for the Warriors, and who doesn’t want more mom support in the Association? Plus, assuming Curry bulks up (about 50 pounds worth), and assuming Jimmer learns how to defend, they could scare the living hell out of other teams with their outside threat. It isn’t going to happen, but still, it sounds like a lot of fun.

Houston Rockets (4): The Rockets, led by GM Morey, wheel and deal so much, and has changed so much in recent years, that it’s hard to know what to make of them. But with Kevin Martin, Jimmer’s presence feels less needed. And frankly I’m okay with that.

Indiana Pacers (9): People in Indiana love white people. They need a sharpshooter. Larry Bird loves players who are real competitive. You can put two and two together. Jimmer can put three and three together.

Los Angeles Clippers (2): Blake Griffin is not exactly somebody defenses can slack off of (leaving outside shooters open), and Mo Williams is not a long term solution. Plus, putting Jimmer with Blake Griffin could create the single best highlight-per-play ratio (!PP) in team history. Too bad The Clippers gave away the #1 pick in this draft. Oh, and they’re cursed; that might hurt Jimmer.

Los Angeles Lakers (2): Bad idea. All the positive attention Jimmer got would seriously piss Kobe off, and there is little to no doubt that Kobe would freeze out Fredette ala Isiah Thomas and Michael Jordan in the 1985 All-Star Game.

Memphis Grizzlies (3): This would be a great landing spot for Jimmer. They could use a sharpshooter, and their defense can cover up for Jimmer until he adapts to the NBA. …Yep.

Miami Heat (3): The plus side of this pairing would be that Jimmer would average 7 open threes a game and become a key cog in a perennial contender. The down side would be that Jimmer would become a villain to most NBA fans, and Jimmer is not meant to be a villain.

Milwaukee Bucks (6): Something tells me Scotty Skiles could be exactly what Jimmer needs to toughen up on the defensive end (he is a great defensive coach and they need shooters). And something else tells me that he is not at all what Jimmer needs (he hates people who don’t defend and would possibly bench Fredette indefinitely). This ultimately feels like a bad fit, but unfortunately the Bucks are a possible landing spot for Jimmer.

Minnesota Timberwolves (1): KAAAAAAHHHNNNN!!!!!!! The sad truth is that, at this point, Jimmer very well may be better than the highly anticipated Ricky Rubio. But the Wolves have invested too much into getting the wayward Spaniard who now resembles Jonathan Taylor Thomas more than he does Jonathan Stockton. Getting picked by David Kahn is the worst case scenario for anyone, including Jimmer.

New Jersey Nets (3): Something tells me Deron Williams might actually like to play side by side with Jimmer. And Jimmer could help sell tickets in Brooklyn at a fairly low price (Rookie salary scale). Make it happen, Russian Mark Cuban.

New York Knickerbockers (9): Of all the likely Jimmer landing spots, this one makes me the most nervous. As exciting as it would be to see Jimmer at the Garden 41 times a year (plus playoffs), this team really does need defense, and if things go south for them Jimmer might get a lot of the blame.  Having said that, Jimmer does thrive under pressure …hmm …

New Orleans Hornets (2): Chris Paul strikes me as a guy whose body may not let him compete in this league for too many more years, and he would be an awesome mentor to Jimmer. The Jimmer/Maravich comparisons might get a little annoying, though. And Jimmer’s history in New Orleans doesn’t lend itself to optimism. Let’s move on.

Oklahoma City Thunder (4): Can you imagine the entertainment value of Jimmer Fredette landing on this team? Good golly! They could move Harden to the starting lineup, and bring Jimmer off the bench. And we already know Durant likes Fredette … “Tonight on SportsCenter, Oklahoma City scored 213 points in Golden State!”

Orlando Magic (3): Many people are quick to compare Jimmer to JJ Redick (for similar reasons they compare him to Adam Morrison). But this could be a direct opportunity to refute that claim. However, this team’s future seems in serious doubt as Dwight Howard is almost certainly leaving town once his contract is up (read: Lakers). However, there’s a chance one of the local theme parks would be open to the idea of adding a Jimmer ride. That ride would be short yet magnificent, powerful yet smooth, hip-hop yet Caucasian. Did I just describe Harry Potter World? Maybe.

Philadelphia 76ers (4): The Sixers could use some outside shooting, and they are a young team that is taking its lumps together. So, yeah, it could work. It’d be boring, but it could work.

Phoenix Suns (9): Best. Case. Scenario. Or close to it. Kidd tutored Nash, and now Nash could tutor Fredette. And that would be quite the lineage. Then, once Nash is retired and Jimmer is ready to take the leap, Phoenix will again shoot itself in the foot and trade Jimmer to a contender. As a Jimmer fan, you can’t ask for much more.

Portland Trail Blazers (3): Well, the simple fact that the stuck up Blazers fans are already poo-pooing on this potential match is reason enough for me to hope it doesn’t happen. Portland fans are ruthless, and frankly, not worth Jimmer’s time. Hear me, Portland fans, not worth the time. Now go and draft some can’t miss big man with spaghetti for bones.

San Antonio Spurs (3): If the Spurs trade up to nab Jimmer, I can think of few better signs. Why? Because the Spurs just don’t miss come draft time.

Sacramento Kings (7): Something tells me Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins might not be the best influences for Jimmer. But the idea of putting our boy with Evans in the backcourt is intriguing to say the least. The one major problem with this pairing is that if the Kings take Jimmer at 7 (an actual possibility) it will add a ton of pressure to Jimmer. And since the franchise is already is hanging by a thread, the pressure may only increase. Not an ideal situation.

Toronto Raptors (5): An easy way to avoid scrutiny his first year in the league: Go to a team nobody pays any attention to. However, there’s not exactly a winning culture in Toronto.

Utah Jazz (9): And we’re finally here. …It’s almost identical to when Hakeem was picked first by the Rockets, and when LeBron was picked up by Cleveland, except completely different. In my opinion, it makes just as much sense (especially at the 12 pick), but this is admittedly unprecedented ground. And no, Steve Alford doesn’t count. If you’re reading this, you’ve likely already heard everything there is to hear about this potential pairing. But let me take this time to point out to everyone claiming this is just like when the Pacers had a chance to pick up local product Alford, but instead chose Reggie Miller (a wise choice), you’re missing some vital points. That was a much better draft. Reggie Miller is not available at #12 this year. Plus, the Pacers could very well have taken Alford at the 12 spot if they had already picked a stud at the three spot, and for all we know Alford would have done a lot better in a Pacer uniform. Also (and in my opinion, most importantly), Steve Alford was a jerk (correction, is a jerk), and that simple fact contributed to his inability to make it work in the NBA. The fact that other players love Jimmer will give him the needed time to make the adjustment to the pros. One more thing. To all University of Utah fans out there, please keep in mind that that if Jimmer went to the U, you would be equally as geeked out about him. So stop hating on him; it makes you look petty and sad.

Washington Wizards (3): Why not? Wall does his damage closer to the hoop. Wall is big, and could cover up Jimmer’s defensive liabilities for a while. …What? Why are you looking at me like that?


Bryson Kearl is the editor of The Van Gundy. He is a stand up comedian who changes diapers with his free time.

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