So the FIFA Women’s World Cup is here. Are you, like many sports fans, unsure how to make the most out of the experience? Here are ten tips to help you make the most out of this once-every-four-years (I assume) event.
1. Remember that women’s soccer is not nearly as bad as the WNBA. Basketball is played in the air, while soccer is played on the ground. Huge difference. I mean, think about it: Could anything be as bad as the WNBA? Of course not! So the Women’s World Cup must be better.
2. Lots of European men soccer players have long hair with girly pony tails. Like, a lot. Try to pretend the tournament is exclusively for those guys. Also, pretend they have leg injuries preventing them from running very fast. Before you know it, you won’t even realize you’re watching girls play soccer.
3. Gambling makes any sporting event more enjoyable. Just saying.
4. Become acquainted with the soccer stars of women’s soccer; sports are always more enjoyable when you know who is playing. Mia Hamm is a big deal. The one that took her shirt off after her goal was quite the entertainer. Also, I think Keira Knightley plays soccer?
5. This year’s World Cup is being held in Germany. Dirk Nowitzki is from Germany. Keep a close eye on the audience and try to spot Dirk. It may be the only Dirk you’re getting for a very long time …
6. Equatorial Guinea’s team has been surrounded by scandal since some have claimed three of their players are actually male. What could be more fun than watching their games and coming to your own conclusions? Not much, that’s what. (Note: Only use this tip if you are not using “Tip #2: They’re all European Dudes”)
7. North Korea is in this tournament. In fact, they play the United States on Tuesday, June 28th. It’s being rumored that the infamous dictator Kim Jong-il is disguised as one of the North Korean players in a secret plot to, in his words, “Punk this American Cockatrices.” I have no idea what he is trying to say, but this game is definitely worth watching to see which player looks most man-like. (Note: This tip goes very well with “Tip #6: Oh yeah, that’s a Dude”)
8. Columbia is in the same group as the Americans. Don’t forget that in 1994 when the men of these two nations met, a Columbian was shot and killed for making an own goal. Put your allegiances aside on this one, and just hope for a 0-0 tie.
9. Female soccer players are by far the cutest of all female athletes, narrowly edging out tennis players (and excluding gymnastics if you are 18 or younger). When you think about tips #2, #6, and #7, it really helps you put other female sports into perspective.
10. In all seriousness, if you like soccer, this should be a great tournament. Check it out. And if you happen to be female, please accept my sincerest apology.
Let the games begin!
Bryson Kearl wrote this article. He is the editor of The Van Gundy. He is also a standup comedian that is (believe it or not) happily married to his darling wife.